so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
