genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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