Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
