just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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