...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
be right there i have to get my cape
Randomize
