Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
