I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
