His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
