Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
