I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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