Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He shit in the fireplace
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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