even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
