I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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