i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
