If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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