why didn't you poke me back
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
