i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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