I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
