just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
