I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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