My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
