I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
