I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
