The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
