Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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