These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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