And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
