Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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