forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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