I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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