The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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