Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
