I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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