I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
