i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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