Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
