I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
