he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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