You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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