When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
