how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
