He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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