don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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