I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
