I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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