He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
