we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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