Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
its liver damage thursday
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
