So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
