I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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